this is an attempt to distill my life's
experience with children down to a list of bullet points and relate
it to tangible situations.....
This post does not include "conditioning" which is actually quite effective below 3 years of age, but gives diminishing returns thereafter, and actually runs contrary to the ultimate goals of parenting if overused. (assuming your goal as a parent is to nurture into existence a self regulating, decision making cultural entity, and not a circus animal)
I apologize for the technical writing
style, I'm afraid it is the only pen I possess today. I have italicized
what I see to be the key elements to startle you out of the
inevitable sleep that this style seems to induce, not in an
attempt to make any specific point, although if you take them all out
and put them together backwards they probably do say “Worship
Beelzebub , Embrace Anarchy”.
Many times, I think, we think we are teaching, when in fact we are not – we are giving information that would be useful to a properly motivated
adult, but is useless or sometimes even destructive to a child,
who is motivated differently.
It is necessary to keep in perspective
what children are, and are not.
Children are: sub
mature humans with an incompletely defined sense of self, incomplete
assimilation of the culture and language, a highly variable sense of
social responsibility, and a less than fully formed cerebral cortex.
Children are not:
little, stupid defiant adults, though it can be very very difficult
to fully retain this distinction (at least for me), as they mimic
about 90% of adult behavior, especially the least desirable aspects.
It serves me well to keep in mind that
learning a coveted skill (riding a bicycle, sheet and tiller sailing)
is self motivational and intrinsically rewarding, whereas learning an
unvalued skill (doing the dishes, cleaning your room, rules of the
road) may not be.
Motivation in children comes from 3
main avenues, I think:
M1: Fear.
M2: Desire to be
praised or socially reinforced
M3: Intrinsic
desire, usually motivated by 2. (not sure if this is really separate,
but it seems to be)
Fear is
ineffective at motivating behavior, but effective at preventing
behavior. It has the significant disadvantage that it is
conditional on the presence of the fear inducing element, which can
be bypassed in very young children by making them believe that you
are omniscient / omnipresent, or even for older children and adults
by creating a dependence on an omniscient being (god).
Desire for social
reinforcement is a strong positive motivator to create behavior. It
requires the presence of a reinforcing entity which the child loves,
or upon which they are dependent for a significant physical,
emotional, or social need.
This entity can be an individual or a peer group on which the child
depends for affection, food, security, a source of positive self
image, or social status / standing.
Intrinsic Desire,
is, I think, mainly desire for positive reinforcement in the second
person. It is created by the child imagining themselves as the
possessor of an ability or possession, and imagining
how this will change the way they perceive themselves, through
the reflection of the perceptions of others.
“if I was a
doctor / had a car I would be respectable”, as opposed to “My
parents like it when I get good grades / my social standing increases
with the trappings of wealth”
Often, these
motivators are false, but serve nonetheless (I.E. as a teen I thought
that having a pilot's license / airplane would make me more desirable
(get me laid). It did not)
Note that If
the entity (person) providing the social reinforcement fails to
position themselves as a provider of one or more of these needs,
their input, positive or negative, will have a minimal impact unless
it is somehow connected to an M1, M2, or M3 source. (“be good or
I'll tell your parents” invoking M1,M2 - or “If you learn to
sail better upwind you'll win the regatta” invoking M2, maybe M3)
As a person charged with teaching
children, it helps me to remember one thing which has proven to be
axiomatic, at least for me: When dealing with children below the age
of self realization (perceiving themselves as a mature cultural
element) I either have credibility or I do not. If I
have not established credibility (easy in western culture, harder in
this one) I will be largely ignored as an unsafe source of
information.
Once you have established credibility, one must remember what that
means:
Unless you say something which destroys your credibility, you will
be believed, often quite literally.
So, If you say
that they are doing a good job, they believe it.
If you tell them
that they are so incompetent that after several months they still do
not know how to set up boats, they will believe it, with the
undesired consequence that this will make them unable to set up boats
after several months of training.
A
statement, positive or negative, about performance or behavior does
not in itself motivate improvement in a child, it merely
builds a belief. Go back
to motivation, to motivate.
This leads us into criticism, which is
not motivational, and is often only effective if not taken literally!
To Accept and utilize un-buffered, raw
criticism, one must be able to differentiate between true
statements of past performance and expectations of future
performance. Most children, unless specifically schooled in
interpreting criticism and using it, are unable to do this. The
idea that past observation is a predictor of future events is
axiomatic in the natural world and is the default interpretation of
credible information. (I failed = I cant do it)
Motivation through
direct criticism requires an element that is barely (if at all)
present in the target audience – a mature capacity for self
discipline. An ability to reflect on past action and analyze
performance to build a plan to improve results. This is an advanced
skill that presupposes a sense of professionalism and pride in ones
accomplishments, or a strong desire to have pride or professionalism,
or at the very least extensive instruction and practice in the
deconstruction and analysis of critical review.
Rapid, externally
imposed creation of this “professionalism” can be achieved
through careful manipulation of environmental and social factors, but
that manipulation is well outside of the scope of my desires and
abilities. (The military has a few small books that outline how to do
it in a way that is about 50% effective, they call it boot camp)
Outside of that,
“professionalism” arises in most people when they master a skill
to the point at which it becomes an important part of their self
valuation and social position. At this point, protecting / enhancing
their skill and reputation is motivated by social reinforcement,
making criticism potentially useful information to be analyzed and
acted upon. This, I think, is one of the main goals of character development.
When dealing with children, remember
that you will probably be literally believed....
It
is important to carefully state your guidance, so as to be teaching
what you actually want them to know..
X! So,
if you say they are doing X wrong, they will believe you.
This will probably not influence their behavior.
!=X On the other hand, if you say that they don't know how to do X,
they will also believe you, and will be resistant to believing the
opposite, which is that they can know how to do X, which will be
supported in further observation when they again fail to achieve X,
and are told again that they do X poorly. After a while, they just
come to accept that they indeed can not do X.
X → Y If you say “when you do X like that (or fail to), it
causes Y” (undesirable consequence), they will believe you.
Furthermore, If they personally find Y to be objectionable,
they might self motivate to modify their performance of X, but
it is well to keep in mind that many things which we think of as
undesirable are neutral or even positive in the eyes of children.
(I.E. getting to the beach late - if they are afraid of not doing
well, are enjoying themselves at the dock, etc - might be seen as a
desirable effect)
X → Z Or, if you say “if you do X like this, it will achieve Z”
(desirable effect) you will once again be believed, and if
the effect Z is seen as desirable by the child, then they may
choose to “do X like this”.....However, they may also expect that
Z will occur without “doing X like this” (magical thinking or
past experience), so it is uncertain that this will provide a
structure for motivation.
X1 → Y ; X2 → Z → ZZ Or, if you say When you do X1 , it causes
Y (undesirable effect), but when you do X2 , it causes Z
(desirable result), and you will achieve ZZ (motivational
effect) , you will again be believed.
This time, by showing that X1 leads to negative, and by saying that
literally “when” (not if) they do X2, it leads to a desirable
result Z, and furthermore, that desirable result leads to a
personally motivational desirable result ZZ, you achieve many things:
1: you clearly define the problem X1 → Y, and a specific
alternative behavior X2.
2: you assert that they are casually capable of achieving X2
3: you assert that X2 will lead to Z
4: you connect Z with ZZ, which should be a personally motivating
effect M2 or M3 as defined above.
5: you have created a direct path from what you want to what they
want.
Assuming you have their confidence and have not confused them, there
is a high probability that they will tentatively attempt X2,
likely without success. This is where their belief in X2 → ZZ must
be externally reaffirmed , or you may lose their confidence. This
is critical.
X1
→ Y ; X2 → Z → ZZ , (and variations) is the most effective
communication pattern with children, and will endear you to them, as
they will see you as a source of help for them to obtain their M2-M3
needs. This will
position you as an M2 provider,
and will make motivating them much easier.
Well, thats it – About all I've
learned in 30 years of dealing with children as a moderately mature
entity – But there's actually a lot in there, if you can keep from
dozing off in the technical presentation.....
I can't get any work done. My sides ache, and I have fallen out of my chair twice. It never gets old. Please, Wikipedia, Make it stop!
