Operating Manual for Children

this is an attempt to distill my life's experience with children down to a list of bullet points and relate it to tangible situations.....

This post does not include "conditioning" which is actually quite effective below 3 years of age, but gives diminishing returns thereafter, and actually runs contrary to the ultimate goals of parenting if overused. (assuming your goal as a parent is to nurture into existence a self regulating, decision making cultural entity, and not a circus animal)

I apologize for the technical writing style, I'm afraid it is the only pen I possess today. I have italicized what I see to be the key elements to startle you out of the inevitable sleep that this style seems to induce, not in an attempt to make any specific point, although if you take them all out and put them together backwards they probably do say “Worship Beelzebub , Embrace Anarchy”.

Many times, I think, we think we are teaching, when in fact we are not – we are giving information that would be useful to a properly motivated adult, but is useless or sometimes even destructive to a child, who is motivated differently.

It is necessary to keep in perspective what children are, and are not.

Children are: sub mature humans with an incompletely defined sense of self, incomplete assimilation of the culture and language, a highly variable sense of social responsibility, and a less than fully formed cerebral cortex.

Children are not: little, stupid defiant adults, though it can be very very difficult to fully retain this distinction (at least for me), as they mimic about 90% of adult behavior, especially the least desirable aspects.

It serves me well to keep in mind that learning a coveted skill (riding a bicycle, sheet and tiller sailing) is self motivational and intrinsically rewarding, whereas learning an unvalued skill (doing the dishes, cleaning your room, rules of the road) may not be.

Motivation in children comes from 3 main avenues, I think:

M1: Fear.

M2: Desire to be praised or socially reinforced

M3: Intrinsic desire, usually motivated by 2. (not sure if this is really separate, but it seems to be)

Fear is ineffective at motivating behavior, but effective at preventing behavior. It has the significant disadvantage that it is conditional on the presence of the fear inducing element, which can be bypassed in very young children by making them believe that you are omniscient / omnipresent, or even for older children and adults by creating a dependence on an omniscient being (god).

Desire for social reinforcement is a strong positive motivator to create behavior. It requires the presence of a reinforcing entity which the child loves, or upon which they are dependent for a significant physical, emotional, or social need.

This entity can be an individual or a peer group on which the child depends for affection, food, security, a source of positive self image, or social status / standing.

Intrinsic Desire, is, I think, mainly desire for positive reinforcement in the second person. It is created by the child imagining themselves as the possessor of an ability or possession, and imagining how this will change the way they perceive themselves, through the reflection of the perceptions of others.

“if I was a doctor / had a car I would be respectable”, as opposed to “My parents like it when I get good grades / my social standing increases with the trappings of wealth”

Often, these motivators are false, but serve nonetheless (I.E. as a teen I thought that having a pilot's license / airplane would make me more desirable (get me laid). It did not)

Note that If the entity (person) providing the social reinforcement fails to position themselves as a provider of one or more of these needs, their input, positive or negative, will have a minimal impact unless it is somehow connected to an M1, M2, or M3 source. (“be good or I'll tell your parents” invoking M1,M2 - or “If you learn to sail better upwind you'll win the regatta” invoking M2, maybe M3)

As a person charged with teaching children, it helps me to remember one thing which has proven to be axiomatic, at least for me: When dealing with children below the age of self realization (perceiving themselves as a mature cultural element) I either have credibility or I do not. If I have not established credibility (easy in western culture, harder in this one) I will be largely ignored as an unsafe source of information.

Once you have established credibility, one must remember what that means:

Unless you say something which destroys your credibility, you will be believed, often quite literally.

So, If you say that they are doing a good job, they believe it.

If you tell them that they are so incompetent that after several months they still do not know how to set up boats, they will believe it, with the undesired consequence that this will make them unable to set up boats after several months of training.

A statement, positive or negative, about performance or behavior does not in itself motivate improvement in a child, it merely builds a belief. Go back to motivation, to motivate.

This leads us into criticism, which is not motivational, and is often only effective if not taken literally!

To Accept and utilize un-buffered, raw criticism, one must be able to differentiate between true statements of past performance and expectations of future performance. Most children, unless specifically schooled in interpreting criticism and using it, are unable to do this. The idea that past observation is a predictor of future events is axiomatic in the natural world and is the default interpretation of credible information. (I failed = I cant do it)

Motivation through direct criticism requires an element that is barely (if at all) present in the target audience – a mature capacity for self discipline. An ability to reflect on past action and analyze performance to build a plan to improve results. This is an advanced skill that presupposes a sense of professionalism and pride in ones accomplishments, or a strong desire to have pride or professionalism, or at the very least extensive instruction and practice in the deconstruction and analysis of critical review.

Rapid, externally imposed creation of this “professionalism” can be achieved through careful manipulation of environmental and social factors, but that manipulation is well outside of the scope of my desires and abilities. (The military has a few small books that outline how to do it in a way that is about 50% effective, they call it boot camp)

Outside of that, “professionalism” arises in most people when they master a skill to the point at which it becomes an important part of their self valuation and social position. At this point, protecting / enhancing their skill and reputation is motivated by social reinforcement, making criticism potentially useful information to be analyzed and acted upon. This, I think, is one of the main goals of character development.

When dealing with children, remember that you will probably be literally believed....

It is important to carefully state your guidance, so as to be teaching what you actually want them to know..

X! So, if you say they are doing X wrong, they will believe you.

This will probably not influence their behavior.

!=X On the other hand, if you say that they don't know how to do X, they will also believe you, and will be resistant to believing the opposite, which is that they can know how to do X, which will be supported in further observation when they again fail to achieve X, and are told again that they do X poorly. After a while, they just come to accept that they indeed can not do X.

X → Y If you say “when you do X like that (or fail to), it causes Y” (undesirable consequence), they will believe you. Furthermore, If they personally find Y to be objectionable, they might self motivate to modify their performance of X, but it is well to keep in mind that many things which we think of as undesirable are neutral or even positive in the eyes of children. (I.E. getting to the beach late - if they are afraid of not doing well, are enjoying themselves at the dock, etc - might be seen as a desirable effect)

X → Z Or, if you say “if you do X like this, it will achieve Z” (desirable effect) you will once again be believed, and if the effect Z is seen as desirable by the child, then they may choose to “do X like this”.....However, they may also expect that Z will occur without “doing X like this” (magical thinking or past experience), so it is uncertain that this will provide a structure for motivation.

X1 → Y ; X2 → Z → ZZ Or, if you say When you do X1 , it causes Y (undesirable effect), but when you do X2 , it causes Z (desirable result), and you will achieve ZZ (motivational effect) , you will again be believed.

This time, by showing that X1 leads to negative, and by saying that literally “when” (not if) they do X2, it leads to a desirable result Z, and furthermore, that desirable result leads to a personally motivational desirable result ZZ, you achieve many things:

1: you clearly define the problem X1 → Y, and a specific alternative behavior X2.

2: you assert that they are casually capable of achieving X2

3: you assert that X2 will lead to Z

4: you connect Z with ZZ, which should be a personally motivating effect M2 or M3 as defined above.

5: you have created a direct path from what you want to what they want.

Assuming you have their confidence and have not confused them, there is a high probability that they will tentatively attempt X2, likely without success. This is where their belief in X2 → ZZ must be externally reaffirmed , or you may lose their confidence. This is critical.

X1 → Y ; X2 → Z → ZZ , (and variations) is the most effective communication pattern with children, and will endear you to them, as they will see you as a source of help for them to obtain their M2-M3 needs. This will position you as an M2 provider, and will make motivating them much easier.

Well, thats it – About all I've learned in 30 years of dealing with children as a moderately mature entity – But there's actually a lot in there, if you can keep from dozing off in the technical presentation.....