Thursday, July 17, 2014

ExxonMobil to spearhead industry efforts to combat global warming

ExxonMobil, long a leader in the petroleum extraction and processing industries, is emerging as a frontrunner in the industry's push to confront global climate change.

Citing a preponderance of peer reviewed studies indicating that humanity is on the fast track to catastrophic global warming, a company insider told surprised members of the press today "While other companies stand by and do nothing but continue to promote the unabated consumption of greenhouse gas producing fuels, ExxonMobil has launched an impressive initiative to offset the expected effects of global warming."

The representative went on to elucidate a number of innovative climate change abatement programs by the multi billion dollar petrochemical giant, including "biodegradable sponges, to help mitigate rising sea levels", "lightweight yet surprisingly waterproof" tyvek paper coveralls to "maintain morale during increasingly frequent and intense tropical weather events", and portable battery operated fans with a built in water spritzer (shown above).

"Were especially proud of the spritzer-fan!" the executive emphasized, going on to say that "it represents the absolute state of the art in personal climate change mitigation".  The ExxonMobil Spritzer fan is "the convergence of several innovative green technologies", including evaporative cooling, and the comforting effect of tiny amounts of gently moving air.

While the prototype was powered by a regular disposable battery manufactured by a wholly owned subsidiary, the company representative warmly opined that consumers could simply "throw away the included battery, and use rechargeable batteries that they supply themselves, charging them using increasingly inexpensive solar cells".

"In addition to hitting global warming head on, literally in your face" the executive went on, "our product also helps address rising income inequality in a tangible way." After pausing a moment for murmurs in the collecting crowd to die down, the ExxonMobil representative continued "By merely substituting inexpensive Perrier mineral water for regular tap water, consumers can enjoy some of the benefits normally reserved for the C-Suite crowd". "It's not a real Perrier pool, but it doesn't come with that kind of maintenance overhead, either " he continued "it puts a little of the good life right in the palm of your hand, and unlike the typical Perrier pool, you can take it with you anywhere, even to your cubicle."


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